Can We Trust God?
It’s February, and if I’m honest this month presents more challenges for me than all the other ones combined. It’s cold, the days are short, and we’ve been stuck inside for far too long (even if we do get a few 70-degree days here and there). I usually start back with more regular therapy in the winter. I find it helps me deal with the anxiety that often comes from these blistery cold days and extra dark nights. My therapist and I have been discussing how I can be challenging myself by putting myself in anxiety-producing situations so I can actively face the unwanted feelings of uncertainty and the panic that come with them. Activities like these are the foundation of ERP and as annoying as they may be, they are essential in managing OCD.
As I’ve said before, my OCD is more than wieldy nowadays. In some ways, Covid has made some of my fear cycles socially acceptable, so I’m easily at ease with my fear of germs. Even with the societal health pendulum swinging far past even where I want it to go, there are areas I can improve on. My therapist and I discussed how it’s been challenging for me to discern what’s necessary to be conscientious and when my OCD taking me too far. For me, it’s a sneaky balance to find. I get caught overthinking what I overthink, quite an exciting situation.
At the end of my session, she asked me if I wanted to pick an area where I could sneak in some ERP, like in the realm of using the public restroom. Going to a public toilet might seem simple for almost everyone, even my children, but for me, it takes a load of mental energy I don’t feel like using right now or ever. I find the possibilities for germ contamination in a gross public bathroom endless and unavoidable. My therapist told me I should purposefully use a public restroom, even if I don’t “need” to go. I’m sorry, what now? Not only do I need to use the bathroom in a public place, but I must go even when I don’t really need to? After years of mastering holding it, I’ll have to choose to urinate with the purpose of proving to myself that I can ride the horrible wave of discomfort to eventually land on the side of relief. As I prepare myself for my upcoming homework I wonder, does God care that I’m challenged by doing what seems like a small thing? Does He care to go with me where most people can go effortlessly? Are challenges like this even worth His time?
I’m no theologian, but given what I know from scripture, yes God is with us in all ERP exposures, no matter how small they may seem to the outside world. I always get nervous quoting scripture because I’m afraid I may misinterpret it and I take the job of speaking the truth seriously, but in this case, scripture is clear enough, even for me.
Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
I think this verse makes it abundantly clear that no matter where we go or what we face, God is with us and we are commanded to be strong and courageous, even in a public bathroom. The possible exposures required for OCD treatment are endless and often seem so simple to those who don’t understand our fears. God understands that these tasks aren’t simple asks for us, and He promises to walk beside us as we face them. He is lovingly wrapped up in our recovery and cares deeply to be with us “wherever we go.” It’s odd to think that the Lord of all creation cares about whether I use the bathroom at Target, but when I read this verse, I am comforted that He is with me, always.
If you’re facing upcoming ERP tasks, I would encourage you to rest in this passage and in the promises, God makes to us that He won’t ever leave us. No matter how silly our struggles may seem to the outside world, God cares about us enough to promise Himself to us forever when we believe in Him. His son is the ultimate gift and proof that we have a God who perfectly provides aid when we need it. When I go into that bathroom my blood pressure will rise and my palms will pour with sweat, but my heart will hopefully remember to take comfort that God is with me from beginning to end; until I’m on the other side of the panic and when I’m on the other side of this life.
